Hi there. This needs to be done, and I guess that now is as good as later. The last post, stating that it was an achievement that I was still here was not an understatement. On the 31st of March I slit my writs.
This is my story.
It has been nearly 5 months now, and my wound have healed, I have some nasty scars, and increasingly when I look at them I am reminded of several things. Firstly the reason I did it in the first place. It was an imense relief to me that I survived, although I did not realise it at the time. I was going through a horrendous time battling with my weight, personal relationships, University work, difficult housemates and an interesting relationship with my boyfriend. He was on anti-depressants and we had gone out for a friends birthday. He was not himelf and an arguement started about the most trivial thing. We hardly ever argue so this is not usual behaviour. He was almost violent, pushing me away physically and shouting. He told me to get out of his life. He was almst the only light in my life at that time. I walked home alone and locked myself in the bathroom.
He found me and called an ambulance. The housemate who I was having the most problems with held my wounds to stem the bleeding and even cleaned my bathroom once I was in the ambulance. My boyfriend stayed with me the whole time and came off of the anti depressents as he realised what n effect they had on his behaviour. The next few days were the hardest. I felt so much regret for what I had done, for hurting the people around me who loved me, I didn't realise that there were so many people who cared about me. The days were physically hard as well. At the time I felt no pain, it was like I was numb. The pain afterwards was tremendous. I couldn't unscrew jars or bottles or lift anything for fear of popping my stitches. This was especially difficult as I was working in a dry cleaners where thiere is a lot of manual work and lifting. I also had to wear a jumper or armwarmers to hide my dressings as I was so ashamed of what I had done.. It can get very hot in a dry cleaners, but luckilly no one asked too many questions. Visiting my parents and family was becomming increasingly difficult, especially as the weather got warmer.
After finally coming clean with my family about my reasons for wearing long sleeves they were so supportive. They phoned my boss in Southampton and explained that I would be leaving for personal reasons, and moved me out of my flat, back home. With my family all around me I felt better. I was coming to terms with my scars, which I know will heal. Recently I have been feeling a little low and have seemed unable to understand why. I know it is to with my scars, and the message that they convey to people. I see people at work with perfect unblemished wrists an I feel a mix of jelousy and revot at myself. I think I have been feeling down because I havn't really spoken about what happened tht night, and all the events leading up to it. Writing this is the first time I have really tried to order and excise my thoughts, and I feel lighter for it.
There are a lot o people who are damn glad I'm still here, and although I worry that I have upset them, I come to realise that they are just worried for me. And I'm O.K. I think I'm O.K. I should probably talk to someone a little more proffessional, as I know that that was an aweful thing to feel I had to do, and a horrid way to deal with problems.
I feel that I am stronger for my experiences. I see what is on the other side now, I see things and it makes me happy to think that I did not leave them behind. My family, my beautiful nephews, simple things like flowers and a blue sky. I saw the morning that I never thought I would see. I'm still here, and things are tough sometimes. All the reasons behind what I did have been rectified and I am a happier person. Bu I am a happier person with a physical representaion and a reminder of all the pain I have been through. I hope that people can understand when they see my scars that they do not represent who I am now. THey show how strong I am, to have come so close to the edge, and to have pulled myself back, pulled myself up. Here I am living a life day after day. Determined to be the best I can be, just to prove to my old self that I can, that I deserve the chance, and I am so glad that I gave it to myself.

So hi...
Just to tell the whole world that I am indeed still here, and thats quite an achievement at this point, believe me. I've learned recently that your strongest support network comes from your family, and mine are amazing. Fate is also a force to be reckoned with, but sometimes, you have to go woth the flow, and know that 'nows the time'. You may have a plan, but if the moment is right-go with it 100%. University is now finished, and I no longer work at Atlantic. What to do what to do.....Well, I'm going to start drawing again, because I miss that. I've applied for jobs, because that's what you do when you finish uni, and now I just have to move out of my flat, and in with the man who fills my heart with such immense joy. Joy that is imesurable, amazing, and all-encompasing. Together we share a happiness that is fulfilled by the happiness of the other. True love, and friendship combined into a deep understanding of each other. A desire to listen and help, and make things better. A desire to understand how he feels, coupled with the understanding that perhaps I can't. Well, it's love to me, and not messing around. This is forever and I'm so god-damned happy.

Oh yeah, also, the essay I was blathering on about a few months ago (that I did in like, 40 hours on Red Bull...) I got a 2:1 for it. Thats right 68%. I was a bit annoyed really. I work hard, I get a 2:1, I don't work hard I get a 2:1. Go figure. I guess I must just be a genius.

WORD UP!!!!!!

Hey, no updates for the longest time. Well, I'm still here. To be precise im in a room slighlty larger than a toilet cubicle, perhaps the size of a disabled cubicle. Yes, with a desk, a chair, and a computer. I like this room, it's right in the middle of the library and focusses the mind wonderfully. Locked in this little room, you come to realise that the only way out is through finishing the essay that you came to do. And oh yes, I finished it!!! I only started yesterday, indeed I kick major academic ass. That feels good actually, two minir presentations (For which I have already done the majority of the work) to go and I did have 2 essays, but now I only have one- and that looks kinda easy. Looks like I'll have an O.K. Easter break after all.

Heres my to do list, disected
Things to do over Easter

Comparative Criminal Justice

- Complete comparative justice essay (3,500 words) Due 14/05/07
-Complete research on Japanese equal rights for presentation Due 16/04/06

Leadership and Management in the Investagative Context

-Complete background research for second presentation due 16/04/06
-Create leaflets from existing powerpoint presentation. Due 16/04/07
-Create nametents and clipboard plates for presentation. Due 16/04/07
-Leadership and Management essay
-1,200 words on Chapter evaluation
-900 words evaluating a guest lecture
-900 words personal learning diary

Dissertation

-Complete compilation of questionairres
-Imput remaining data into S.P.S.S.
-Learn to use S.P.S.S.
-Use S.P.S.S. to create analysis and statistics of primary data
-Write up findings of primary research, including methodological pitfalls
-Compare primary research to secondary research
-Draw it all together in a convincing conclusion
-Print and proof read
-Bind!!!!

Final dissertation hand in date is 04-05-07. I want to be finished by 26/04/07 AT THE LATEST!!!!

Wish me luck! Hurrah, it's nearly over!!!

I have made some super camp fairy cakes today, all pink and flowery!!! Yay!! I have discovered two secrets for making the cakes.
1. When making the sponge
Weigh your eggs (2 or 4) then use that wight for the rest of the ingredients. The flour, sugar and fat should weigh roughly the same as those two eggs. Result.
2. When making the icing
Use the worlds smallest amount of boiling water. Tiny amount, to ensure it's thick, and boiling, because it helpl the sugar dissolve. And the finished result...YAY!!!!

my 'weebls-stuff' forums sig. In case you were wondering.

Oh yes. I also learned how to say cesiumfrankolithicmixialabidiumrixydixydoxydixydroxhide.

Hoo-freakin-rah!!!!!! Yeah, thats right! I did it! Since 5 am on wednesday, I have had 4.5 hours sleep. I have written 3,158 words. Referenced the whole lot. Made it make sense, seen a brand new baby, worked for 3 hours, and built an impressive structure out of Red Bull cans. I rule. I can now have a peacefull nights sleep, knowing that all I have to do tommorow is print and submit the damn thing. A mellow night indeed will follow tommorow!!!!!!!! YYYAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!

giving up for the night. Been awake since 5am. Been going 23 hours straight. Gonna watch some Red Dwarf I think. I think I've consumed too many energy drinks to sleep comfortably at this point. Had to stop the essay, as I started reading throught the last couple of paragraphs. I realized it was just shite cleverly disguised as sentances. To bed, then.

2,046 words

Hello. Here is the essay title: Landmark cases in Criminal Justice: “In what ways has the idea of a ‘landmark case’ changed over history?”
Assess, with reference to cases, how current developments may further alter how significant criminal events are registered in popular memory.
And the location of this essay is currently unknown. It is due in on Friday, at 4pm. that is in 40 hours. That is not a great deal of time. I started properly at around 10. So far the word count is 1,781. Which isn't bad, considering. If I can get the main body out of the way tonight, I can spend tommorow retro-referencing (c) and then attempt to put it all together. Unfortunatly, I am forced to go to work tommorow, although, if the situation becomes desparate, I will call in and explain. I will be honest, I won't call in sick. I'll call in and say I have a major essay due tommorow, and it's not finished. If anyone kicks off I can turn around and say, "Well, yes, actually. My degree is more important than your crappy part time job." So there. Anyway, uhm, 1,781 words.
I'm just procrastinating now. I think I've had too much Red Bull.

Good day to you. Here is my favorite picture from New Years Eve. Of course, we're bith pretty trashed at this point, which makes recall difficult. I am a cat-like schoolgirl, and I'm wearing the tiniest skirt in the world. Enjoy!!