Hi there. This needs to be done, and I guess that now is as good as later. The last post, stating that it was an achievement that I was still here was not an understatement. On the 31st of March I slit my writs.
This is my story.
It has been nearly 5 months now, and my wound have healed, I have some nasty scars, and increasingly when I look at them I am reminded of several things. Firstly the reason I did it in the first place. It was an imense relief to me that I survived, although I did not realise it at the time. I was going through a horrendous time battling with my weight, personal relationships, University work, difficult housemates and an interesting relationship with my boyfriend. He was on anti-depressants and we had gone out for a friends birthday. He was not himelf and an arguement started about the most trivial thing. We hardly ever argue so this is not usual behaviour. He was almost violent, pushing me away physically and shouting. He told me to get out of his life. He was almst the only light in my life at that time. I walked home alone and locked myself in the bathroom.
He found me and called an ambulance. The housemate who I was having the most problems with held my wounds to stem the bleeding and even cleaned my bathroom once I was in the ambulance. My boyfriend stayed with me the whole time and came off of the anti depressents as he realised what n effect they had on his behaviour. The next few days were the hardest. I felt so much regret for what I had done, for hurting the people around me who loved me, I didn't realise that there were so many people who cared about me. The days were physically hard as well. At the time I felt no pain, it was like I was numb. The pain afterwards was tremendous. I couldn't unscrew jars or bottles or lift anything for fear of popping my stitches. This was especially difficult as I was working in a dry cleaners where thiere is a lot of manual work and lifting. I also had to wear a jumper or armwarmers to hide my dressings as I was so ashamed of what I had done.. It can get very hot in a dry cleaners, but luckilly no one asked too many questions. Visiting my parents and family was becomming increasingly difficult, especially as the weather got warmer.
After finally coming clean with my family about my reasons for wearing long sleeves they were so supportive. They phoned my boss in Southampton and explained that I would be leaving for personal reasons, and moved me out of my flat, back home. With my family all around me I felt better. I was coming to terms with my scars, which I know will heal. Recently I have been feeling a little low and have seemed unable to understand why. I know it is to with my scars, and the message that they convey to people. I see people at work with perfect unblemished wrists an I feel a mix of jelousy and revot at myself. I think I have been feeling down because I havn't really spoken about what happened tht night, and all the events leading up to it. Writing this is the first time I have really tried to order and excise my thoughts, and I feel lighter for it.
There are a lot o people who are damn glad I'm still here, and although I worry that I have upset them, I come to realise that they are just worried for me. And I'm O.K. I think I'm O.K. I should probably talk to someone a little more proffessional, as I know that that was an aweful thing to feel I had to do, and a horrid way to deal with problems.
I feel that I am stronger for my experiences. I see what is on the other side now, I see things and it makes me happy to think that I did not leave them behind. My family, my beautiful nephews, simple things like flowers and a blue sky. I saw the morning that I never thought I would see. I'm still here, and things are tough sometimes. All the reasons behind what I did have been rectified and I am a happier person. Bu I am a happier person with a physical representaion and a reminder of all the pain I have been through. I hope that people can understand when they see my scars that they do not represent who I am now. THey show how strong I am, to have come so close to the edge, and to have pulled myself back, pulled myself up. Here I am living a life day after day. Determined to be the best I can be, just to prove to my old self that I can, that I deserve the chance, and I am so glad that I gave it to myself.